Estranged Parents' Forums vs. Estranged Adult Children's Forums

Most members have problems with adult children who are distant or completely estranged, and may also have lost contact with their grandchildren. Their problems may be compounded by mental or physical disabilities, poverty, and other conditions that could be alleviated if the adult children helped them.

A small but significant proportion of members have problems with adult children who are financially abusive, violent, addicted, etc., and who will not leave their parents alone.

Most members have problems with intrusive, overbearing, or controlling family members, and they want the family members to back off or to leave them alone entirely. Their problems may be compounded by dependency on the problem family members, whether financial, emotional, or practical. (For example, their overbearing mother-in-law may be their babysitter.)

A small proportion of members have problems with family members who are distant or neglectful.

Members are uncertain how to solve their problems. Their core problem is that they want a relationship with someone who doesn't reciprocate, which is inherently insoluble. They have an informal two-stage process for handling this.

The first stage aims to resolve the estrangement. Members repeatedly try to contact their children, sue their children for grandparent visitation, and so forth. However, they are aware that these actions are unlikely to resolve the estrangement.

The second stage aims to deal with the consequences of the estrangement. Members get hobbies, join clubs, and make new friends to fill the void left by their missing children. They may also remove the estranged children from their wills, take steps to resolve financial entanglements with their estranged children, etc.

Members believe their relationship problems can be solved through a combination of therapy, marital counseling, boundary-setting and other types of assertiveness, practical actions like getting a job and moving house, and a willingness to reduce or break off relationships with toxic people. They fully expect these methods to be effective when applied correctly.

Members expect emotional problems to be harder to solve. They handle these problems through therapy, self-help books, and mutual support, though forum posts usually discuss these issues in the context of more practical problems.

Although emotional healing is the goal, members believe it's necessary to take practical action to change one's circumstances. Members believe it's not possible to recover when they're still in contact with toxic people. They also recognize that inertia is a common result of abuse. They encourage each other to take direct, decisive action in spite of fear and inertia, and promise that emotional healing will begin once members make practical changes.

Members who drag their feet or who return to the forum repeatedly with the same problem are criticized. Some of the criticism stems from other members' frustration, but more often, members want to encourage the member to get off the stick and help themselves.

Members are slow to recognize patterns of behavior, and their recognized patterns are generally undetailed and broad. (For instance, they frequently ascribe behavior to "this generation of kids," but the "generation" in question covers people from the mid-teens through the early 50's—that is, two separate generations, the oldest of which is older than many members.) They make limited use of established concepts like personality disorders. The term "narcissism" gets considerable use, as do "gaslighting" and "the silent treatment," but not associated terms like "hoovering." Members' understanding of these patterns is also undetailed, and they frequently make mistakes like confusing bipolar disorder with borderline personality disorder.

Knowledge of patterns has a short shelf life. Members are continually rediscovering psychological concepts.

Members do not invent new terms for patterns they recognize.

Members' predictions of their adult children's behavior are typically vague and based on past experience with the individual, not on wider pattern recognition.

Members recognize patterns of behavior quickly, and find it easy to apply previous patterns to new situations. Their grasp of patterns is detailed and precise. For example, they discuss the differences between narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder, learn the names of psychological defenses, and teach one another the phases of the abusive cycle. They also invent new terms (lawn tantrum,^[1] BEC^[2]) for concepts pop psychology hasn't caught up with.

Members use these patterns to predict the behavior of toxic people with considerable accuracy. New members are sometimes astonished at how much other members know about their parents without being told.

Members generally do not refer one another to any websites about estrangement or grandparents' rights, apart from other forums. They read few self-help books and don't have a collection of resources that could be considered essential reading.

The one self-help book specifically about estrangement, When Parents Hurt by Dr. Joshua Coleman, comes under frequent fire by estranged parents.