In the spirit of Peter Anspach’s Evil Overlord List (and of my own *ahem* If I Ever Become a Dragonball Character list), this page is dedicated to everything I would and wouldn’t do if I ever became an anime character.

If I Ever Become an Anime Hero(ine)...

I will remember that sword beats gun and bikini beats armor; and if my enemies fall down giggling at the sight of a bikini-clad warrior rushing at them with a katana, so much the better for me.

I will cultivate a non-fighting-related skill so that when the war I've worked so hard to end is finally over, I won't be unemployed. Besides, women find it charming when a man can sew.

If I do find myself unemployed after the war, I won't go over to the side of evil just because they're the only ones who still need my skills. Vocational training is dull and embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as having to fight all my old allies.

One-on-one fights are for wusses who never learned to ignore schoolyard taunts. It takes a real man to ignore cries of, "Six-to-one odds aren't honorable!"

I will not attempt to operate any mecha until I have read the complete specs and have a signed affidavit that the self-destruct button works.

I will not fret about damages to my mecha. Unbeatable mecha can be trashed on a day-to-day basis, but the techie types are so good that it will always be repaired before I need it again.

If I am issued a suit of armor or fighting costume with high heels, I will get it altered immediately. Really, people, have you no sense of style?

If I can fly, I will bear this in mind at all times, and not waste time on chase scenes.

If I have a chance to pick a partner, I will not choose the cutest, most ineffectual kawaiiko in the cast. I will choose the villain.

I will bear in mind that a fight is the second most lasting form of contract known to the animeverse. If I lose, the jerk will show up and taunt me at every plot twist; if I win, he will follow me around demanding a rematch. Or worse, he will join me.

I will also bear in mind that a date is the most lasting form of contract known to the animeverse.

If an admirer refuses to understand that I don't want to date him, I will not fight him or engage in devious schemes to get away from him. I will go on a date with him and spend the evening demurely picking my nose.

If a too-cute-to-live girl refuses to understand that I don't want to date her, I will not hatch devious schemes to get away from her. I will go on a date with her and try at the first possible moment to get my hand down her blouse.

But before I do this, I will clear my plans with her brother, secret admirer, or anyone else likely to pound me for being hentai with her.

And if trying to cop a feel doesn't get her to run screaming from me, well, now I have a cute girlfriend who doesn't mind if I try to cop a feel. Things could be worse.

If my wise old jiichan or baasan tells me that the family shrine/forest/well/cave imprisons a demon, I will believe them. Tokyo has been blown up often enough already by kids who didn't believe their grandparents.

If my name is supposed to be in English, I will make certain that the English is grammatically sound and doesn't give English speakers fits of the giggles.

When faced with dripping, octopoid tentacles, I will not scream and wiggle. I will pour salt on them.

I will not be surprised when the person from the future turns out to be my kid. Of course they're my kid. If they weren't, they wouldn't be here. More importantly, who is the other parent?

I will spend some time learning my family history, since it's good to know in advance that I am an alien/descendant of a god/heir to the throne/part of a deal to the underworld... little things like that are sure to pop up, and its nice to know in advance.

In the same vein, I will keep track of anything my parents/sensei say and ferret out things like, "Did you marry me off when I was three?" "Do I have a secret weakness?" "Was I adopted?" "Is what that nice alien girl said about my lineage true?" and "Are you sure there isn't another ultimate technique I can learn?"

If I'm facing a particularly amusing or pathetic villain, I will resist the urge to kill him or let him join me. All that does is to clear the way for some new villain who is probably infinitely worse.

I will establish a plan to escape from those inevitable rampaging love triangles. It may save me some dimensional-hammer-related pain.

If annoying suitors are inevitable, I will arrange to attract only suitors who lack my strength or powers. If I do fall in love, my suitors won't be able to interfere with me or my love interest.

I will have an obnoxious personality quirk that makes others suffer. This will keep me out of the "unlucky" character bracket that nice people get stuck in.

I will hit on the villain of the opposite sex. This will distract him or her, and I may even score another ally. As for the second worst possible outcome, well, s/he was going to kill me anyway, right?

I will keep in mind that the worst possible outcome is that s/he will stay around and add another side to the love (geometric shape) I'm already in, so I should save it as a last resort. God knows that if it works, I'm probably swamped with suitors already.

I will not even bother with a laser gun. When was the last time someone didn't have an energy shield to deflect it?

I will remember to knock and loudly announce that I am entering the bathroom. There are no limits to how many times this would have simplified things.

I will duck and avoid the large, heavy object which is coming my way, then say, "Wait! I can explain!"

Contributors

I'd like to thank those who contributed:

• Jeremy Evans
• Lily
• Mike Taub (otakuloki@aol.com)
• MorganaAML
• Noname Guzzetta (guzzetta@execpc.com)
• OnnaRanma (OnnaRanma2@aol.com)
• Philip Nicholls
• Slow Bob (slow_bob@hotmail.com)