If I Ever Become an Anime Villain...

I will take the Evil Overlord List as my bible.

I will not fall in love with the hero's romantic interest. I have no chance with him or her, and all of the interesting characters are already on my side.

If my enemy's partner is the cutest, most ineffectual kawaiiko in the cast, I will not underestimate her. She may be squealy, and she may be annoying, but she is probably the most powerful source of magical energy on the show.

I will not kill my underlings, no matter how ineffectual or used-up they are. It's terribly embarrassing to have the winning hand and lose because of sheer lack of numbers.

If my underlings repeatedly desert me for the hero's side, I will look into the merits of what he or she is doing. If it doesn't suit my plans to join the forces of good, I will at least institute a program to stop employee defections. Perhaps something involving cheery slogans and coffee-room posters.

If my enemy is a magical girl, I will not stand in awe as she goes airborne, drops all of her clothes, and starts spinning in preparation to transform. I will wait until her regular clothes are gone, then yank her down and start fighting. If her shock at my breaking the Law of Uninterruptable Metamorphosis doesn't paralyze her, the fact that she's in her birthday suit will.

If my enemy must shout the names of his attacks to get the full effect, I will invest in a simple first-level AD&D spell known as the "Sphere of Silence."

It hardly bears mentioning that my own attacks won't have a verbal component.

And if the author insists upon my shouting attack names, I will not choose eight-kanji confections with fourteen syllables and no identifiable meaning. I will have attacks with names like "HA!"

...Although I might make an exception for an attack called "Neener-neener-neener."*

I will remember: The plot is not on my side. There's no way that I can win, so I might as well have fun.

Whips are fun.

Chains are fun.

But they should be used sparingly unless I want to appear in yaoi fics for the rest of my born days.

If I am facing an unbeatable mecha, I will not aim for it to the exclusion of all other targets or risk my underlings to get the specs. I will take out the techie team which maintains it. And then I will aim for it to the exclusion of all other targets.

If I am a second-string villain, I will fall in love with the hero(ine) as soon as possible. This will save me time and trouble in the long run.

If I am a second-string villain, I will join the good guys at the first chance and help them kill my boss. Then, while they celebrate, I will kill them all and take over my boss's position.

The most plain/young/ditzy/wussy hero(ine) dies first. There's nothing I hate more than having some punkling start displaying awesome power after I've beaten everyone else.

 

* Ninani Nani Na, "virtuous, graceful nun's mochi-sticking arrest": With a graceful sweep of my hand, grains of mochi fly out of my habit and gum themselves to the good guys until they're completely immobilized in man-sized balls of sticky rice. I'm going to be an interesting villain.