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If I become a Dragonball character...

In the spirit of Peter Anspach’s Evil Overlord List, this page is dedicated to everything I would and wouldn’t do if I ever became a Dragonball character. (Check out my If I Become an Anime Character...list when you're done.)

If I Ever Become a Dragonball Hero...

I will not hang in the sky and provide blow-by-blow commentary as my friends take on the villain one by one; instead, I will provide emergency training in a rare and arcane maneuver known as the "cavalry charge."

I will not allow my enemy to power up, no matter how cool it would be to fight him afterward.

I will keep a good book and a pack of cards on me at all times. That way, when I die, I’ll have something to do while I’m waiting to be resurrected.

If I’ve just spent the last several months in intensive training out of sight of the rest of the crew, I will not greet them with news of how powerful I’ve become and how many cool new attacks I’ve developed. I will tell them that I sprained my ankle after the first month and had to spend the rest of the time on my butt on the couch, watching daytime TV and waiting for my ankle to heal. Sure, it’s a lie, but I won’t have to endure a round of counterbragging, and Vegeta won’t offer to kick my ass. And when I do unveil my new and improved superpowers, everyone will want to try my training regimen. ("Cheez doodles are fine for beginners, Vegeta, but you’ll need twinkies if you really want to go for the burn.")

If I have a power which can be upped by a near-death experience, I won’t wait until the middle of a pitched battle with the strongest enemy yet. I will institute a training regimen involving sterilized instruments and a two-pound bag of senzu beans several months before I expect trouble.

I will always have senzu on hand.

If the villain manages to deprive me of one set of dragonballs, I won’t fret or panic. The DB-verse has dragonballs the way dogs have fleas; another set will turn up in a moment.

I will have a list of wishes memorized so that if I need to make a wish fast, I won’t have to spend precious time trying to make one up.

"A pair of panties from a hot babe" is not a valid wish.

"A sex change for Vegeta" is.

I will make a wish to be able to "beep" Shenlong, instead of having to traipse all over the world to get seven damn balls.

If my enemies want to wish for immortality, why the hell don't I?

Dissenting opinion: Screw gaining immortality and controlling the universe; I'M TAKING OVER SIX FLAGS! WHEEEEEEE!!!!!!

I will not hang Kaioushin-sama from my rearview mirror like a punk kewpie doll. I will not hang Kaioushin-sama from my rearview mirror like a punk kewpie doll. I will not hang Kaioushin-sama...

I will have children early and often. By the time the oldest one is eight, I'll be able to pass on the world-saving business to them and go drink Zombies in Hawaii for the rest of the show. In all likelihood, the other characters won't allow me to actually do this, but at least I'll be able to.

I will remember that I can absorb massive amounts of damage, not that I have to.

If I do absorb massive amounts of damage, I won't bounce out of bed and start training again the instant the plaster on my cast is dry. I may have a Super Saiyajin healing factor and a Super Saiyajin insurance plan, but I don't need to strain them both to the very limit just to prove that I'm a man.

I will not keep any friends who, in the face of an impending fight, say things like, "I'm getting excited!" Yaoi is fine, but not that kind of yaoi.

If someone fires multiple ki blasts at me, I will not just run backwards in a panic. I will move. As in, go airborne.

If my opponent fades, I will immedeately turn behind me and power up a powerful attack. This way, I won't get my butt kicked, neck snapped, or any other form of pain added to my damage stats.

If my enemy is hanging motionless in the sky, I will not rush up at him. Instead, I will rocket up andaround him, and hit him from behind.

I will constantly fire my ki blasts quickly, and at my opponent's head. If this does not work, I will whip out a gun and shoot them in the kneecaps.

If I have a super-powerful attack that leaves me open to attack for several minutes, I will blind my enemy, then hide to power up for the attack, rather than standing on the highest, most visible platform in the area.

If I don't know a blinding technique, I will keep pepper spray on hand at all times.

I will not start easy and gradually use more powerful attacks as I get my butt kicked, I will use my full power from the start and kick my enemy's butt first.

I will not listen to taunts.

I will not show mercy.

I will not believe a word my enemy says.

If the enemy releases a ki blast that will certainly kill everyone present, I will stand behind Gokuu and use him as a shield. If anyone can stand the blast it's most probably him.

If Gokuu decides to dodge the blast instead of just staying there... I shall worry.

I will not make any sarcastic observations concerning Vegeta's hair unless I have a death wish.

I will also not laugh at Vegeta's pink shirt.

I will never endear myself to Gokuu so much that my death might bring about a new SSJ level. In fact, I will not allow myself to become absolutely essential to the emotional well-being of any Saiyajin. It's like wearing a large neon sign saying, "Please kill me now."

I will take credit for saving the earth whenever possible. The fans may hate me, but I'll be rich.

Dissenting opinion: I will not wrongfully take credit for defeating a powerful monster and brag to any of the DB boys about it. The next and last thing I'll hear will be "Big Bang Attack!" or "Makankosappo!"

I will always let Vegeta win, even if it's at tic-tac-toe and he's never played before.

I will not tell my enemy how weak and pitiful they are. This is their cue to power up and kick the living crap out of me.

I will not leave precious belongings and/or my only means of transportation from a planet out in the open for the villain to destroy at will.

I will not listen to the villain's life story, I will kill him and get on with my dinner.

I will tell everyone to fuse into one person as the first move of the fight, forming something called Picco-go-go-go-ge-trunks-in.

I will not, repeat, WILL NOT hit on Trunks. In fact, I will do everything in my power to make his life miserable.

I will, repeat, WILL hit on Piccolo. Just to see his reaction.

Dissenting opinion: I will determine who is the most attractive character left single on the show, and purposely argue constantly with them.

Dissenting dissenting opinion: I will not become romantically involved with a Saiyajin. It will ensure that the rest of my life will be spent cooking massive amounts of food, sewing massive amounts of new clothing, and waiting in utter fury for the boys to come home. It will also ensure that I will barely ever see my children; if they're not training, they're being kidnapped by whatever evil relative/megalomaniac/alien has happened to stop by this week.

Dissenting dissenting dissenting opinion: If I do manage to have a child with a Saiyajin, Daddy gets to take care of the little terror. From birth. Even potty-training. Especially potty-training.

I will become good friends with Vegeta.

I will under no circumstances attempt to shoot anyone who is male but has a female voice.

I will make sure of who my voice actor is before I sign the contract. Actors who are on crack and/or don't sound like they are the same sex as I are Right Out.

I will make sure to take the time to annoy the HFIL out of Piccolo. Sure, it won't do me ANY good whatsoever, but it will be well worthwhile to see him dodge water balloons.

If I cannot fly, I will damn well learn. It doesn't matter if I'm a human noncombatant; if the cat can fly, so can I.

I will train Mr. Satan to fly. God shouldn't have to carry his sorry ass around.

If I find a villain too powerful for me to defeat, I don't have to beat him, I just have to last long enough that the villain who is coming along after him shows up and does the rest for me.

I will train during periods of peace so I don't end up reaching a new plateau of power in the middle of a battle.

Instead of wasting my time during periods of peace, I will collect the DragonBalls and wish for something useful like, oh... to be powerful enough to ward off whatever danger you just know is on its way.

I will buy stock in hair gel, because with Gokuu's relatives all hanging around, you know it's going to go way up.

I will leave more than 3.67 seconds to save my son's life when arriving at a battle scene.

I will shoot Bulma and Chichi...

... and throw their bodies on top of Dende's crumpled form.

Yajirobe tops the pile. [Note from Issendai: A lot of you have it in for Yajirobe. Here it is! He's dead! Stop sending me "kill Yajirobe" suggestions!]

I will mistrust those with hair more gravity-defying than my own.

I will not shriek like I'm trying to pass a Dragonball during combat. Breathing properly is a good thing.

I will not fight Garlic Junior, because it's sooooo annoying to have to fight an opponent who's about as high as your knees.

I will transform into something that looks vaguely dignified. Enormous monkeys and big ugly crocodiles are Right Out.

I will paint the Dragonballs with black stripes when I get them, so when a pursuing opponent catches up with me I can say it's just a basketball. Better yet, I will have the Dragonballs guarded by the Italian soccer team.

I will use enormous amounts of hair spray so that I can shred my opponents to death with my pointy hair. Or, if I'm bald, I will augment my normal blinding attack with the glint off my scalp.

I will not allow either Piccolo or Vegeta to train me. I don't care what's coming.

I will not stand anywhere near Krillin or Yamucha within two days of any battle.

I will not have a tail. Cool as the extra appendage may be, anyone with a tail will either get beaten and humiliated to within an inch of their life or killed slowly and/or painfully. If I do have a tail, I will get it removed as soon as possible.

Contributors

Thanks to everyone who contributed to this list:

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