If I Ever Become a Dragonball Villain...

If I am fighting an opponent who is wearing nothing but a body stocking and an armored tank top, I will not concentrate my blows on his chest. I will aim for the throat and groin.

I will remember: Death does not faze the DB boys. Women do.

Since women faze the DB boys, I will always keep the latest issue of Playboy magazine with me. And the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. And a few Victoria's Secret catalogs. Master Roshi will be on me like white on rice, but I'll bet I can get a few bucks from Bulma, Chichi, Videl, and Pan for keeping him occupied.

I will introduce slapstick humor into all battles. No one has given Vegeta a wet willie before, and the look on his face will be well worth the beating.

I will not waste time developing new implements of mass destruction to use against the DB boys; a simple Valium mister or psychedelic dart will work just fine. (Look, Piccolo, butterflies!)

I will develop supersensitive hearing. When the heroes start analyzing the battle and explaining their companion’s newfound powers to one another, I’ll be in the loop.

If I suddenly develop a new superpower, I will not stop in the middle of battle to tell my opponent all about it. Psychological warfare is nice, but the element of surprise is nicer.

If I suddenly develop a new superpower, I will not stop to boggle at my newfound abilities. I will act as though I always had the power, and will attack with it immediately. Twice.

I will not kill God. It never helps.

I will not kill Krillin unless I have a death wish.

I will remember at all times that I can fly.

I will not sit back and allow my opponents to power up or do the Fusion dance.

When my scouter starts giving me ki readings, I will act impressed and read them off to my opponent as much higher than they are. Then, when my opponent starts powering up, I will act as though the readings are mysteriously dropping. This has no tactical advantage, but it will confuse the hell out of my opponents. They may waste precious time trying to grab my scouter off my face to see what in hell is going on.

If my most powerful opponents are eight years old, I will not try to run them off the field of battle by mocking them, threatening them, or killing their fathers. I will send them each a PlayStation 2 for Christmas.

I will switch sides early, before the DB boys have time to uncover my true agenda and defuse it.

And then I will become close friends with Chichi and Bulma, and introduce them to the wonders of psychotherapy. Three months of Ritalin, Prozac, and family therapy later, the Saiyajins will be groveling at my feet and begging me to conquer them just to make it stop.

I will never stand and grin smugly as my opponent disappears in the explosion from my attack. They will always show up again after the smoke clears. Instead, I'll throw everything I have into the center of the devastation to prevent them from making me look stupid by surviving.

I will remember that both my enemies and my allies would prefer a simple but eloquent "Bring it on!" rather than a long and snooze-inducing taunt to start a fight. The show's only thirty minutes long, after all.

Since my most powerful opponent is notoriously stupid, I will under no circumstances attempt to fight him. I will go to him peacefully and request to use the Dragonballs to save my dying world. If he is suspicious, I will begin to cry over my dying world and call him evil. If that fails, I will leave, dejected. Once in orbit I will use my doomsday world-destroying attack, then go straight on to Namek to try again. (Jerry Elscol)

I will keep blackmail items on hand at all times. ("Lookit! I have your baby pictures, Vegeta!")

I will remember that possessing X-rated pictures of Bulma will piss Vegeta off to no end.

I will not waste time taunting my opponents. People who use taunts are notorious for getting their butts kicked.

I will not trust my partners. They could backstab me, kill me, or send me for a loooong flight at any moment.

When I plan to blow up a planet, I will not tell everyone that I plan to blow it up. I will just blow it up.

I will be prepared to act weak to fool my enemy into having mercy on me. Then I will turn around and kick their butts.

If my scouter gives me a reading I don't like, I will not assume that it is broken. I will assume the reading is true and be prepared for the worst.

When I'm hunting dragonballs from a peaceful race I will not bother torturing them, I will just blow them up and take the dragonballs.

I will not kidnap Gohan. I will capture Krillin instead. He will be nearly as effective and I won't be bringing a little timebomb into my base.

Kidnapping Trunks is probably a bad idea too.

Under no circumstances will I take either Bulma or Chichi hostage. It's not worth the pain or the migraines.

If all else fails, I will swallow one of the dragonballs. Sure, I'll have one hell of a case of indigestion, but the good guys won't be able to get all seven.

I will not lie to Vegeta. While the truth may hurt me a lot, once he found out I lied, I would be in even more pain.

I will not give a damn who kills my arch-rival. Just so long as he dies.

When my enemy fires a huge ki blast at me and it does no good, I will not make some lame comment like, "You managed to singe some of my leg hairs." I will make no references to boy scouts or taking candy from babies. I will not refer to any of my henchmen as the "Spice Boys." In fact, I will not read any script prepared by Pioneer.

I will be prepared to stoop as low as to poison a Saiyajin's food.

I will not try to transplant my genius brain into the hero's body. I may be damn ugly with my robotic exo-suit, but hot damn, I can whoop ass!

If my purpose is to destroy humans, I will not toy with them. I will trigger a few ecological disasters and get the job done quickly before that purple-haired brat can get strong enough to destroy me.

If the hero is about to kill me, I will show him a picture of my wife (or husband) and kids.

I'm screwed if the opponent about to kill me is Vegeta.

I will not engage in a counterblast battle with the hero, because inevitably, I would lose.

I will get some Saiyajin DNA injected into my system. They always get stronger and eventually whomp all who get in their way, and dammit, I want in on the fun!

Conquering the world/universe is SOOOOOO cliche. I will come up with an original villainous scheme.

Wishing for immortality is also SOOOOOO cliche. I will wish for something original—such as for the DB boys to be turned into crippled old men.

I will make sure that all Saiyajins I meet will no longer be able to have children.

I will not scream while powering up. While it does add to the effect, it also draws a helluvalot of unwanted attention, and signals quite clearly that I am about to attack.

When the hero arrives, I will be friendly and offer him a drink. I will have a cheerful conversation with the hero until he is stone cold drunk. Then I will offer him a ride home and kill him.

I will invite all the DB boys to the local bar and buy them all drinks—on me, of course. Sure, it'll be expensive, but it'll be worth it to make my victory easier.

If I cannot defeat the hero, I will beg to become his pupil and change my evil ways. Once I've learned all his secrets and tricks, I will kill him and resume my evil ways.

Instead of a battle, I will challenge the DB boys to a winner-takes-all road race. The DB boys' driving skills leave a lot to be desired.

If I cannot beat Gokuu with physical strength, I will challenge him to a chess match.

If my opponent is Vegeta, I will lie and tell him I heard that Gokou and Bulma had been doing "fun" things in bed together behind his back. Hopefully, he will ditch the fight with me in favor of pounding Gokuu's face in.

Children with purple hair will be systematically executed.

I will not have large stupid lummoxes for my minions. My right hand men will be as educated as they are strong.

If people cannot determine my gender on sight, I will get cosmetic surgery to correct the situation.

After I make my wish, I will kill Piccolo. No Piccolo = no more dragonballs = no more good guys getting wished back to spoil my plans.

If my opponents begin to do the Fusion pose, I will record it on film and threaten to sell copies to friends and family. This will likely stop them or mess them up—especially if Vegeta is involved.

I will finish off all opponents quickly, rather than savoring their "impending" demise.

If I build any robots to kill one person, I will include a backup program in case I was too late and he's already dead, so that my creations will not go nuts and turn on me.

I will under no circumstances enter an alliance with any being whose gender I cannot determine by sight. Similar exclusions apply to those who wear black lipstick, and beings who can change form at will. Any of these are a virtual guarantee of murderous rages and betrayal.

I will keep my blood pressure within normal levels. Although the eye twitching thing is cool, that pesky blood vessel on the right side of my forehead could kill me as thoroughly as a Genki Dama or Big Bang attack.

Along the same lines, if I have any serious inferiority or paranoia complexes (especially against humanoids with tails), I will see a competent psychiatrist.

If I really can't win, I shall send a rain of ki blast towards the nearest city. The DB boys, being such do-gooders, will try to counter all the attacks and save everyone, giving me the opportunity to flee.

This trick doesn't work if my opponent is Vegeta.

If I really can't win and my opponent is Vegeta, I'll send a ki blast directly at the ground and blow up the whole planet. If I have to die, I might as well take the DB boys to Hell with me.

If I start to lose, and my opponent is Gokuu, I will yell, "Look, Gokuu, food!", thus distracting him long enough for me to escape.

If I do manage to take over the world, I will destroy Capsule Corp. No Capsule Corp. = no time machine = no purple-haired teenagers messing up my plans.

If I am losing to Vegeta, I will announce that if he waits three days, I will become much more powerful.

I will not let the heroes pull this little trick on me in return. I'm an very impatient person. I will not give a damn whether in three days Vegeta or Gokuu will be stronger; those little freaks are hard enough to handle as is!

I will not allow the heroes to eat any senzu beans.

Dissenting opinion: I will take one senzu, coat it with ipecac, and let the hero steal it from me.

Before anything else, I will get one Earth dragonball and one Namek dragonball, put them in a radar-proof container, and hide them under my dirty underwear.

I will go to Karin Tower, take all the available senzu, and waste the place.

If weaker human fighters are trying to stall me, I will use my full power to kill them all and then run like mad before the hero can arrive.

If the hero has arrived, I will knock all the human fighters unconscious and have them put somewhere safe. No sense risking another SSJ level.

All children born with tails shall be immediately executed.

I will not throw any ki attacks bigger than my head. If I absolutely must, it will be a diversionary tactic to cover a smaller, faster attack.

I will carry a small, adorable puppy at all times.

I will always keep an unbreakable camera with me. The chance that the heroes might actually get the credit may be enough to keep them from winning.

The next time there is a Tenchi Ichi Budokai, I will wait until the heroes have beat each other senseless and then waste the arena.

While the heroes are fighting my right hand men, I will sneak up behind them and break their necks.

If all the fighters are near-dead and Gokuu raises his arms and just stands there, I will kill him. Immediately.

I will never employ anyone who uses Paper, Scissors, Rock to determine who will battle.

If I have been beaten and the hero lets me off, I will go heal myself before double-crossing him.

I am a villain. I don't give a flying crap about honor.

I will KILL the women and children.

I will not play with my opponents. Psychological warfare is not worth wasting on the likes of Gokuu.

I will become a better cook than Chichi, then the DB boys won't have the heart or stomach to kill me.

If I lose, I will not bitch about how I'm all-powerful and shouldn't be able to die. If I'm gonna die, I'll go without looking like an idiot.

If I am the rare female villain I will not cling to any available males, despite the fact that they're single. Or, more to the point: I won't bother hitting on Piccolo, since I know I'm not gonna get anything out of it.

If I'm gonna have to destroy an omnipotent type, I will not kill the current Kami. Kaioh-sama is the first to go.

If I must make speeches before the fight, I will take speech lessons.

I will not keep trying to fight someone who has already kicked my booty multiple times. I will aim for his wife.

If I must take over a planet, I will not choose Earth, Namek, or any other miserable ball of rock which the Saiyajin have decided to adopt. There are plenty of planets in the galaxy which don't have pointy-haired psychopaths for protectors.

I will run away as soon as Gokuu loses his shirt. Gokuu - shirt = villain going to die.

For Kami's sake, I will NOT stand there and giggle to myself while they power up in preparation to whoop my sorry butt.

I will kill no relatives or close friends of anyone who has or has had a tail.

All henchmen are incompetent by definition. I'll just go out and get the damn dragon balls myself.

If I burn Vegeta's hair, I will run. Fast.

If I ruin Gokuu's lunch, I will not bother flying away. I will immediately begin writing my last will and testament.

I will not stand around looking awed or smirk while anyone is gathering their strength. I will attack while they're screaming and have their eyes closed. Yeah, I'll miss out on some nifty pyrotechnics, and yeah, I'll be breaking anime rules of power-gathering, but the fans will love me for getting to the much anticipated action. And won't it be an interesting way to be original?

I will not gloat preemptively. This is the cue for the near-dead Gokuu to come barreling out of nowhere and liquefy my kidneys.