New page: When the Missing Reasons Aren’t Missing
I’ve just published a new page, When the Missing Reasons Aren’t Missing. It’s the first of three planned pages on how members of estranged parents’ forums react when their children give them reasons for the estrangement.
Feel free to discuss the article here!
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My first impression is that this lady is actually way ahead of some other estranged parents in her thinking. She is actually able to remember what was said & list some of the things, even if she thinks her daughter has it all wrong. It sounds like she does think these things over & has sought professional help. Unfortunately, it does not seem to be sinking in.
About a year into this process with my own parent, I am losing hope that true reconciliation is ever possible once things have gone this wrong. From the adult child’s perspective, the parent will always be the person who mis-used their power when the relationship was unequal, and sought to keep the relationship unequal long past the time when that was appropriate. Even now, my parent tries to order / shame / guilt me back into a relationship. For years that worked – it took decades for me to wake up.
I empathize, LML, for what it’s worth. My mother has actually improved massively in the last six months; she’s recognized a lot of her bad behavior as unacceptable, and she’s consistently respected my boundaries and treated me like an adult. And yet… given how she’s been all my life, I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for her to revert back to her old behavior. It’s difficult to let bygones be bygones, because we’ve had so many “reconciliations” in the past which didn’t stick.
From the adult child’s perspective, the parent will always be the person who mis-used their power when the relationship was unequal, and sought to keep the relationship unequal long past the time when that was appropriate.
This is a good way of putting it. It also brings up one of the unspoken reasons adult children are wary of their parents: As the saying goes, someone who’s good to you and mean to the waiter is not a good person. If the parent stopped abusing only because you (general you) were too big to hit (literally or metaphorically), they’re not magically non-abusive, they’re just abusers who can’t get away with abusing you any more. The fact that they used their power to keep you in their power compounds the danger.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that, LML. Guilt and shame are some of the hardest tactics to break away from, and they do horrific damage. I’m glad you woke up.
Hey, Issendai, thanks for doing this! It’s a fascinating series — it’s a difficult subject to write about without getting a *little* het up, but you keep a measured tone throughout. You’ve also got a great eye for a quote, and I find myself agreeing with — gosh, virtually *all* of your analysis. Great work! Please keep it coming.
Thank you! The batshittery shines most brightly when it’s given a contrast, I find.
I find it interesting that on one hand she is self aware enough to know that she has blame here and needs to change. But she isn’t actually listening to her daughter. She even says that the therapist asked her if she heard her daughter say she never wants to see her again and she said “no”. So she hears the words but isn’t actually listening to what they mean.
It struck me, after spending some time on the EP forums, that the posters do not think of their children as basically good people. They are constantly suspicious of their children’s words, actions, & moods & take them personally. There is a term for this “Paranoid Ideation” & it is one of the criteria for certain personality disorders.
As someone who was raised by a mother suffering from this, I can tell you how soul-crushing & crazy-making it is to constantly have to defend & explain yourself, and to maintain a fake cheerful facade at all times to avoid getting yelled at.
This behavior of hers has not gone away & it is what keeps me from being able to have a relationship with her now. My anxiety level simply skyrockets at the thought of being on the “hot-seat” for the duration of the interaction.
I read some of the content and while I agree some people have issues sometimes it may be both parties.
No person is perfect and sometimes children don’t appreciate their parents and the struggles they went through.
That may be true in places, but it doesn’t change that the parent is responsible for their child’s wellbeing before their child is an adult, not the other way around–and once their child is an adult, they still don’t owe their parent for raising them and have the right to cut out an unhealthy relationship from their lives, whether or not they were “not perfect” themselves. A relationship that’s unhealthy to both parties is still an unhealthy relationship.