Notes

Contradictory Beliefs, Double Standards

These are some contradictory beliefs and double standards that are common on estranged parents' forums. Members flip-flop from one belief to the other depending on the direction the discussion takes.

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I want an adult relationship with my child, with mutual expression of feelings and respectful discussion of problems.
I am the parent, and my children owe me deference.

Estrangement from one's children is a cruel, unnatural situation. The bond between parent and child can never be broken, and a child who tries to do so is heartlessly inflicting a permanent wound on their parents.
Disowning a rebellious child is sometimes necessary, and completely understandable.

Even if I don't get along with my child, refusing to let me have a relationship with my grandchildren is both child abuse and elder abuse.
If my parents or in laws have a relationship with my estranged child, their grandchild, they are being disloyal to me and betraying me.

If my child tries to have a relationship with my spouse without having one with me, they are attempting to divide and conquer.
When I try to have a relationship with my child without having one with their spouse, I am making the best of a bad situation.

When I talk to my child's in-laws and spouse about the estrangement, I am trying to get their help in setting things right and ending this unnatural estrangement.
When my child talks about the estrangement to their in-laws and spouse, or my parents and spouse, they are filling their heads with lies and turning them against me.

Boundaries are healthy, and setting good boundaries is necessary to dealing with my child during and after the estrangement.
My child's attempt to set rules and terms on our relationship is a controlling power play.

My estrangement from my own parents was necessary for my own mental health. I loved them, but I couldn't be near them.
My child's estrangement from me is a sick power play that my child is indulging in because they hate me and enjoy seeing me suffer.

We are the parents. We are the ones who know them best and love them most, by virtue of our being their parents.
My parents were abusive. They loved me in their own way, but their love was damaging and conditional. I'm so glad to have my spouse, who truly knows me and loves me for who I really am.

Updated 7/29/2015

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