But we were so happy
One of the classic scenarios that lead to Missing Missing Reasons estrangements:
- Person A is happy.
- Person B has a problem with person A.
- B tells A, “I have this particular problem with you.”
- A disagrees that there’s a problem.
- A resolves B’s problem to A’s satisfaction.
- A is happy.
When the problem is as simple as disagreement about the volume of A’s radio in the workplace, the result is ye basic workplace squabble. But when the problem is one that A has deep resistance to, things can get ugly.
A usually starts by dismissing B’s problem. A’s dismissals come with a sting of contempt or anger, a reminder not to try to bring up the problem again. A doesn’t remember his stings. Why would he? He’s been doing it his whole life. If he does remember–or if he’s forced to remember–he says it’s nothing, just a mild understandable reaction that nobody should be bothered by. (It’s so mild that he uses it as his main defense.) His stings slip out of his mind, but they pile up in his victim’s memory.
Dismissing B’s problem resolves it to A’s satisfaction, but it does nothing for B. B might try again right away; she might put it off rather than get stung again; or she might cram it down and let it simmer until she explodes uncontrollably all over A. If she manages to get past A’s wall of dismissal, she hits his second defense: the half-assed effort.
Of course it’s half-assed. A doesn’t understand what the problem is. As far as he’s concerned, there is no problem. But B wants him to do this… thing, and she’s really mad about it, so he’ll try. He’ll do his damndest to hit her target, firing blind, until he figures the problem is solved. He figures it’s solved just about immediately. Because when A looks around him, he doesn’t see a problem.
Rinse, lather, repeat.
Eventually, B realizes there’s no point talking to A.
A is happy. B has stopped bringing problems to him! The problems are all fixed. Everything is good. If B has any more problems, of course she’ll bring them to him. She’s been so open with him. But she’s not telling him there are problems, so there are no problems, and A and B can live contentedly ever after. Their relationship is so healthy.
Then B leaves.
A loses it. Things were so good! They were so happy together! B left without even talking to him about what was bothering her!
Something must have changed her–a new friend, a new medication, a new hobby. She needs to be changed back for her own good, before she loses the wonderful thing she had before she inexplicably ran.
If you remind A of all the times B talked to him, there’s a good chance he won’t remember. When prodded into remembering, he says he didn’t realize it was so important to B–even if B broke down sobbing when she told A about the problem. “If she told me it was that serious, I would’ve done something!”
When prodded into remembering that B was crying, A… deflects.
She told him the wrong way.
She told him something else entirely.
And what about the time she did that awful thing?
A unleashes his full arsenal of dismissal against anyone who tries to get through to him. Then he cuts them off, because they’re cruel and thoughtless and clearly brainwashed by poor, deluded, brainwashed B.
Why did she leave?
It’s inexplicable.
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This reminds me of something a Reddit user posted, either on Just No MIL, or Raised by Narcissists.
The redditer’s mother kept pointing to the fact that they smiled in all their childhood photos as “evidence” that they had a happy childhood.
The redditer retorted that those photos are just evidence they were taught to smile for a camera.
Their mother never brought up the photos again.
And in a narcissistic relationship, the steps B takes are closer to: decide if you really, really want to have a fight or if you can live with the issue, bring the matter up, but not to forcefully, but not to gently either, or no one will take you seriously; to forcefully and you already lost by “being mean”; weather the storms of either extreme anger or extreme self-recrimination: “I guess you think I’m the worst mother in the world” if they blow up and you back off, you lose, if they spiral and you comfort them, you lose, if they spiral and you point out that every time you try to bring up an issue, you end up being the one to apologize, somehow, you both lose and start an entirely new argument; if you manage to tiptoe between the wires and have a rational discussion about whatever the issue is, and you haven’t somehow messed it up, you get maybe a week’s reprieve before the narcissist has completely forgotten and returned to former behavior, at which point you get to re-calibrate if it’s actually worth the argument. There is no known magical number of times the discussion must be repeated before it will stick.
Spot on. Wow, this is just so familiar. I approached my BPD mom with a small request for less drama and guilt in the relationship & it exploded into a 10-ton monster & almost full estrangement. And, of course, she doesn’t know why any of it happened – I must be “going through something.”
Yep, after my estrangement, my narcissistic mother kept sending me emails speculating on what was wrong with me to suddenly cause me to be upset with her behavior, and even when I replied to those emails attempting to explain the issues and how many times I had previously tried to bring them up, it was just “all so sudden”
When I did manage to make her believe that there were actually ongoing issues, it turned into “my child, holding such hate and resentment in her heart all these years and I never even knew…”
So you know, she’s still the ultimate victim in everything
Omg.
This was my childhood.
Agreed, this is spot on.
During the last conversation I ever had with my mother (over 5 years ago), I explained a reason I was angry about the way she and my father had treated their children and why it upset me that they were starting to treat their grandchild (my nephew) similarly. Her response: “but I haven’t heard you mention that for a long time!” Yeah, Mom, that’s because any time I ever tried to talk about it in the past, I was met with defensiveness, deflection, and/or completely ignored. There was no point in continuing to try and bring it up, so I stopped.
She conveniently assumed this meant that I’d decided I wasn’t angry after all and there was never any problem. So how dare I suddenly claim there was?!
She hung up on me on that phone call. I didn’t call her back. For a while she sent a few sporadic e-mails of the “let’s just change the subject and pretend everything’s fine and talk about the weather” variety, and a couple times she sent Xmas/birthday gifts out of the blue–but she never acknowledged there was any problem, never acknowledged how strained-to-the-point-of-nonexistence our relationship had become, never addressed any of it.
I realized I could probably have a more meaningful, satisfying relationship with a brick wall than I can ever have with my parents. An unfortunate and painful realization, but it’s the truth.
Yes. Oh my god. Nothing penetrates.
And it’s not just relationships. You could take this basic model and apply it to any societal issue of discrimination. There’s no problem–ok there’s a problem but it’s not that bad so we’ll apply this band-aid solution–how can you say there’s still a problem–holy cow why are you so angry! your anger is the problem here!
I wish we could just drag that bit of human nature out by the roots and throw it on the brush fire of history.
Argh so familiar. They also love to put you in a position of complete powerlessness and then take your helplessness as a sign that you’re content with the situation. When my parents announced that they were going to kick me out of the house, I just sort of accepted it because it was their house; what could I do? I had no power in the situation. My mom later claimed that she had “no way of knowing” that I was angry about being kicked out of their home because I didn’t argue with them about it at the time. “You accepted it at the time so I assumed you were happy with it.” Uh, seriously? The fact that I was shaking and crying didn’t clue you in? If I had just tried to make futile arguments against it that you would have promptly dismissed and shamed me for, THEN you would have known. Right.
Would you talk to me for an article I’m writing about family estrangement for the NY times? Would welcome your input.
Would like to talk to you for a NY times article about estrangement. Please contact me.
Oh FFS, I know how contacts are made at The Grey Lady-and you massively failed with this faux attempt.
‘I dedicated my whole life to my kids — then, my son abandoned me.’
According to Sheri, their relationship was just so happy, but it doesn’t take long to spot the missing missing reasons: https://www.msn.com/en-gb/lifestyle/family-relationships/i-dedicated-my-whole-life-to-my-kids-%E2%80%94-then-my-son-abandoned-me/ar-BBEOUbe
Issendai, I think I remember you posting this story/a similar story about Sheri M. a while back, so you might want to remove my link.