Stardew Valley: The wet pirate is cockblocking me

Spoilers for Stardew Valley.

It’s winter in Stardew Valley, and love is in the air. My beloved, newly published novelist Elliott, is ripe on the vine and ready to pluck.

By pluck, I don’t mean deflower. I mean “entrap legally and move onto my farm as an unpaid farmhand.” Because I am desperate, and short on resources, and I’m never going to get enough coal to fix the situation unless someone else takes over morning chores. Emily C. tells me spouses can’t be counted on and they do a half-assed job when they do deign to pick up the slack, but she is clearly a lying liar who hates freedom and is trolling my page so the terrorists will win. I just want a little help. Why, Stardew Valley, whyyyyyyyyy.

When last I posted, I was stuck repeatedly going from level 25 to level 29 of the mine/dungeon, and I never got enough time to break through to level 30. Now that Elliott is at ten hearts, I can neglect him for a day or two. The extra time made a huge difference. I’m at level 45, with iron coming out my ears, and the main problem is getting enough coal to smelt all of it.

It’s going to be a great winter. By the time spring rolls around, I’m going to have upgraded tools, a house full of kegs and canning jars for processing my crops, and a brand new helpmeet to make the days a little less panicky.

(He will help out. He will.)

There’s just one hitch: Getting hitched.

At the far corner of the town is a beach, and from time to time a piratey, sailory sort of person shows up and mopes about ominously. When I talk to him, all he says is that he has a pendant to give me, but something tells him I’m not ready for it yet. Before now, my response has been, What told you I was unready for whatever new questing area your pirate pendant unlocks? The Level 2 fighting skills, the total lack of armor, or the fact that I’m fighting with a wooden sword? It was a relief that he wouldn’t give me the pendant. There are already enough way-too-hard questing areas open, and if another, even harder, one opened, I’d have to throw myself at it anyway. Thank you, Mr. Pirate, for your kind consideration.

Now the wiki tells me that the questing area his pendant opens is marriage. He’s not an swashbuckling pirate. He’s a love pirate.

Great! I’m ready, Mr. Pirate. Psychically sense Elliott’s ten throbbing hearts and hand over that pendant.

The wiki also says he doesn’t appear randomly, he appears whenever it rains.

That’s fine. It’s jewelry. A little water won’t hurt it.

Then the wiki tells me it doesn’t rain in winter.

Fuck you, Stardew Valley. Fuck. You. Where in hell is this paragon of civilized weather located? Not in the South, where it rains more often than it snows. Not in the Pacific Northwest, where rain is the default setting, broken by occasional snow. Not in New England, where the weather will first rain, then snow, then rain and snow simultaneously, because New England is where the gods have a “make weather” app on their phones and they play it like it’s Candy Crush. Where, anywhere in the world, does it snow in winter but never rain? What is this fuckery? BRING BACK THE WET LOVE PIRATE AND GIVE ME MY GODDAMNED PENDANT.