Psychology Link Roundup
A roundup of links and links-to-links, mostly by Reddit user Invah:
Abusers and “Show and Tell”: “The common thread with personality disordered individuals is that what they tell you and what they show you is not the same.” Goes on to discuss the linguistic and conversational tricks abusers use, and why those tricks work.
The comments contain priceless link lists.
How to Do a Discourse Analysis – especially point 8, “Identify linguistic and rhetorical mechanisms.”
What Is Proof of Abuse? explores how abuse victims are challenged to prove their abuse according to a standard that perpetually shifts to exclude whatever proof they provide, and why listeners feel compelled to apply that standard.
The Actual Reason Women Don’t Like ‘Nice Guys’** (heteronormative perspective): “The problem is this: “Nice” is not a diagnostic position of a person’s character or personality.
- “Nice”, when treated as a diagnostic position, is toxic, shallow, and potentially dangerous.
- We teach our children to be “nice” in a way that subsumes their own needs, boundaries, and desires.
- Because “nice” people have learned a non-functional approach to interaction and personal relationships, inappropriately considering others’ needs as more important than their own, their default mein is needy.
And needy people are fucking exhausting.”
Most of the discussion is gender-neutral, and sheds light on why abuse survivors fall into this trap and tank their own relationships. Given the number of estranged parents who fit the description, I’m eager to learn more about it.
A late addition, 8/19/16: One way to make your declaration of abuse credible and side-step victim-blaming, a lesson from attorneys discusses how listeners tend to identify with the accused, not the victim, if they haven’t been a victim of abuse. As a result,
[R]ecognize that highly emotional or declarative/blaming language will potentially alienate the listener. People don’t tend to accept conclusions they haven’t drawn themselves. So a victim of abuse, in an attempt to garner validation and sympathy, will use expressive language that communicates how they feel and what they think about what happened.
Emphasis added, because that’s one of the best pieces of advice on persuasion that I’ve ever read.
Invah goes on to explain how lawyers, who “have a gift for using language as a tool,” get around listeners’ knee-jerk reactions.
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The information on ‘nice’ has really struck a chord with me, and made me think about how my abusive parents used ‘nice’ to get their own way.
When I was a child I was expected to be a nice or good girl, and in order to be nice I ALWAYS had to put others first, obey my mother, be quiet and not make a fuss, and continue to take the abuse. If I behaved in any other way then I was bad or evil, and there was certainly nothing in-between. I was either nice and good or bad and evil.
As I became older and asserted my independence this became more of an issue, particularly after I left home. And I did leave home as soon as I could, but against my family’s wishes. This was something that they NEVER forgave me for, but as I was supporting myself there was nothing that they could do about it.
Looking back, I now see how my family viewed me as increasingly bad simply for starting to say no to the abuse, sometimes putting myself first and doing what was in my best interests, and shock-horror, disobeying them. More and more, they called me selfish, hard, or f***ing selfish hard-faced bitch when they didn’t get their own way. The latter was one of my mother’s favourite terms for me. She would also talk about the days when I was such a nice little girl, and then bemoan what I’d turned into.
Even now I think the word ‘nice’ still troubles me a bit, and if someone calls me nice then I sometimes wonder what they mean by it. Do they simply mean that I’m being thoughtful and considerate, or are they saying that because I’ve done a nice thing for them and put them first this time, then they will expect me to put them first all of the time?
Thanks Issendai. This idea of ‘nice’ has really given me something to mull over.
Hi Glitterbug, I’m ‘difficult’ DDC. (Also called: not nice, different, and problem-causer who thinks and reads too much.) Thanks to teachers, I learned that learning, reading, asking questions, etc., are actually good things. I’ll celebrate your ‘selfishness’, and hope I can get better at that exact trait, aka honoring my own needs and feelings.
Hi DDC,
I’ve not been in contact with my family for many years now, but you will find that over time you can get much better at taking care of your own needs, i.e. being ‘selfish’. That said, it isn’t always easy, and if you’re not careful, you can sometimes find yourself falling back into old patterns of behaviour without even realising it. However, the fact that you DO now realise that you have a tendency to always put others or certain people first is a HUGE step in the right direction. x
I am a black hole of other people’s emotional energy and resources as a result of having been emotionally abused as a child. The interesting thing is that I do have close, long-term, healthy relationships with other people. These people are exceptionally good at maintaining boundaries. I am lucky to have them.
Hi Pft,
It’s great to hear that you have good people around you. I took a little peek at your blog too, and am interested in what you’ve written about parentification. It was something I had problems with both as a child and adult, and I don’t think I realized my parents were grown-ups until I was about 30! I was so used to taking responsibility for a lot of their problems and bad behaviour that it simply became second nature.
I have an idea: Can you do a post about why people badmouth other people? I have several examples in my life, the best one being that my mother was publicly outraged when my husband made our daughter wear pants on sports day when she wanted to wear a dress. My mother told anyone and everyone how tyrannical my husband was. She made it sound like he was a child abuser. But, I cannot EVEN BEGIN to tell you how many times my mother forced me to wear clothes I HATED when I was a kid, for no discernible reason at all. Scratchy hot lace and whatnot, ugh. So why does she go around badmouthing my husband? I have officemates and fellow school parents who go around badmouthing other people, too. Why? It does NOT make them look good to be all “But he took too long a lunch” or “But she’s on welfare” all the flipping time. I would be interested in learning more about the psychology of the badmouther.
This is a really excellent list of resources. I appreciate it and I think the topic is important and is one I will keep in mind to cover in a future blog post. Domestic violence is so frightening and the terrible thing about it is that it is cyclical and contagious spanning generation after generation until and unless an individual learns how to break out of the cycle. I have written some articles on assertiveness on my blog. I believe that assertiveness, coupled with learning how to develop one’s self-esteem are the keys to breaking the cycle. Unfortunately, when a woman leaves an abusive relationship, this can be very challenging not only financially and emotionally, but it can be dangerous. My heart goes out to all the women and children (and men) who are suffering through the daily horror of domestic abuse. I hope they find the strength to break free and that they are able to do so safely.
Hi Rachelle,
I had a very bad experience of counselling, and refused to go back. My counsellor did not seem to know how to deal with a victim of child abuse who continued to be abused as an adult. She seemed to have a bit of a ‘mental block’ in regards to accepting that abusive parents continue to be abusive even after the child has reached adulthood, and also seemed to be of the opinion that being abused by a parent doesn’t negatively affect you that much once you become an adult – it isn’t real abuse. As a result, my counsellor approached the situation as if I was simply not getting on with my parents, rather than the situation being an abusive one.
The first thing she asked me was ‘Do you think that you don’t get on with your mother because you have similar personalities?’.
My response was ‘No, I don’t get on with my mother because she’s an abusive alcoholic with a codeine addiction’.
The question she asked me would have been appropriate if she was speaking to someone who wasn’t getting on with a parent, but not a victim of abuse. It would have been like asking a female victim of spousal abuse ‘Do you think your husband is punching you in the face so hard because you have similar personalities?’
My counsellor also tried to shift responsibility for the abuse to me by insisting that I simply hadn’t been assertive enough and put firm boundaries in place. She said this despite the fact that I’d had to practically claw my way out of the situation I’d been in without help from anyone else, in order to get away from my family. And she didn’t understand that no matter how assertive you are, an abusive parent has no respect for you are or your boundaries, and that over time the situation will get worse if you stay in contact. My counsellor probably would have accepted this if I’d been a female victim of spousal abuse, but not as a victim of child/adult child abuse.
I’m really glad that you mentioned that it takes more than assertiveness to get out of an abusive situation, but sometimes, this idea of assertiveness is used to shift responsibility for abuse back to the victim. If only the victim had been more assertive, not been so weak, put boundaries in place, put their foot down, been firmer, or simply refused to put up with the abuser’s nonsense, then maybe the abuser would stop being abusive or they wouldn’t have been abused in the first place.
So on the one hand, it’s very important to be assertive, but on the other, there are some counsellors out there who are using the idea of assertiveness to shift responsibility for abuse back to the victim.