This post is not about the hot paladin in the featured image
This post might not be up for long, but I’m more than slightly boggled and I have to share. DO NOT REPLY TO THE VIDEO. DO NOT CONTACT THIS WOMAN. She has enough BS to deal with without our BS.
Daisy lost custody of her children five years ago. Her two sons live with her mother, and her daughter, who was 2 at the time of removal, lives with an adoptive family. Daisy’s mother has had a restraining order against Daisy for quite a while, but it ended a couple of weeks ago, and since then Daisy has talked about how she’s going to see her kids no matter what. Her mother has told Daisy she won’t allow it until Daisy does intensive psychiatric treatment, and until Daisy stops posting about the situation online. For a couple of weeks Daisy had many of her videos set to private, but today she made them all public because… well, she’ll tell you about it in the video.
I need a reality check about what’s going on here. And I kind of need validation, because the comments in Daisy’s livestreams always make me feel like I’m in opposite land.
Feel free to fast forward through sections. A lot of the video is Daisy doing her daily “activism”/public performance.
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I watched about fifteen minutes, scattered throughout. Life’s too short to watch it all. I agree with some of her politics and philosophizing. Other bits, like the muddled racism of “inner white person” feel either confused or naive.
She self-infantilizes. Like a young child, she thinks that if she follows a certain formula, she is guaranteed to get her way. And my god, doth she protest too much about never using violence! My guess is that she has a typical cycle of violent outburst -> contrition -> repression (we are here now) -> more violence. Plus denial that this *is* a cycle. I’m inferring on little data, but that’s my read.
Her affect is very cult-member. Her husband’s affect is super-flat, as if he’s mostly just trying to survive by humoring her.
Watched the whole thing 😅. I’m a people-watcher too, and I have a special interest in New Age conspiracy theories. She’s a good example of a trend I’ve seen online – the “My actions are rooted in unconditional love for the universe, and you don’t understand because you’re not as spiritual/connected/empathetic as me” folks.
You can’t really talk to these people. Do you think they’re being too harsh? You’re wrong; my actions are rooted in LOVE and I’m motivating you to be your true enlightened self. Think you’re being treated unfairly? Well I’m sorry but you chose this life as part of your karmic reincarnation cycle, so you literally signed up for this. Don’t wanna have a relationship with them? Well I’m reaching out in love and compassion for BOTH of us. My emotions are channelling divine source energy, so how could they ever lead me wrong? If defy my instructions you’re simply getting in the way of your own happiness.
These spaces have a very bootstraps mentality. For instance, they’re typically anti-racist but in a colourblind “we should all love each other” way. If someone complains of racism or takes direct action in the community, they’re suddenly having a “victim mentality” and “distracted by third dimensional programming” instead of working towards true enlightenment. Notice how Daisy attributes good intentions to colonisers, even as she blasts them as “controlling”. And how she thinks she knows more about racism than the actual people of colour she talks to!! This mindset doesn’t allow you to consider the perspectives of others. After all, they’re not as loving as you.
Unfortunately I can’t watch videos like this for more than a few seconds. I was excited at the prospect of watching a video on the topic that you, Issendai, were narrating, because I need your clear-eyed interpretation in order to approach the topic. Something about people like this- the rambling, the forced intimacy, and just the way the personality disorder is right out on display- trigger something in me I don’t have a word for. I feel so sorry for her at the same time I’m repulsed by her, and both are so intense it’s panic-inducing. Is there a word for that?
Issendai, please come back.
They’ll return in time-my friend, there’s more to life than a Blog 🙂 I hope my response above didn’t come across as snark because it isn’t.
Perhaps the word you’re seeking is “ambivalence”-*which is normal.*
FWIW, here’s a few more thoughts and sorry I’m not Issandai, just an old widow broad who severed ties over 40 yrs. ago, long before the Internet or the “Self Help” INDUSTRY. Ultimately *we save ourselves by being brutally honest with ourselves* even though it feels awful. If one is contemplating what to do about these freak parents there’s just a few questions we need to ask ourselves and answer without filtering our reality, without reservation. In no particular order:
-Do you trust this person? (Trust is the bedrock of *ALL* relationships, personal or professional.)
-Do you like them?
-Do you love them?
-Do you respect them?
If your response to all the above isn’t an unqualified affirmative “absolutely,” why are they in your life at all? SaffyTaffy, where is your panic coming from? Does it feel familiar? None of us are “all good” or “all bad.” No abuser abuses 24/7/365. We cling to our positive memories as if they are Life Rafts because if we don’t, our Reality of fear, obligation and guilt are overwhelming. *We have been trained from our earliest experiences to believe any problems in the relationship are entirely our own FAILURES.* Consequently, the shame associated with our not loving, not liking, not trusting nor respecting them feels like there’s something fundamentally wrong with us-as they’ve always inculcated in us. *It isn’t us.* If a parent can not love you as a beautiful little child, they sure as hell aren’t gonna like (never mind love) us as adults.
As far as CPS involvement in our abusive backgrounds, it’s so rare because the first law in these “families” is “Thou shalt not talk.” We do not share our “secrets.” And if we do, we minimize, rationalize, deny, displace etc. our experiences. We’re kids, we’re gonna protect our abusers. Stockholm Syndrome is our Reality and we will defend our abusive parent(s) until hell freezes over. We’re trying to survive and believe the abusive parent is “good” because *our need to believe is overwhelming.*
This is exploiting our innocence, naivety and hope that the “good” parent will magically reappear again. We hope they will love or even like us. We are hard wired (DNA) with this hope.
Again, ambivalence is normal. However, these people are *not* reliable reporters. Their ability to deny their pattern of abusive behavior in the face of overwhelming objective evidence/reality is on par with a toddler sticking their fingers in their ears and vocalizing “Nah, nah, nah…..”
What are you afraid of?
Thanks for the wakeup call, TundraWoman.
My enabler father reached out to me recently about reconnecting after realizing through a third party family member that I’d gotten married without letting him or my N-mother know. He cited his reason for writing the letter as having a great number of enemies as well as his ‘need to be loved’ [paraphrased].
I understand the sentiment, of course (I am a human being after all), but there was no mention or inquiry as to how I might have felt– how I might have felt unloved, hated, shamed, or abandoned when acting in opposition to what they wanted for my life or what they thought was best for me.
I read his note to me and nowhere did I find any sincere apology in what was done to me, any understanding of who I am as a person, or any effort to understand whatsoever. Even a little bit would’ve gone a long way.
It’s a shame, because I once would’ve fallen over in shock that he “cared enough” to reach out like that.
I don’t think he’s a bad parent entirely, but the lack of self-awareness and the ‘me me me’ that rang through the whole note just further reinforced my reasons for going NC.
My answer to all of your above questions, by the way, was no, no, no, and no. I’m at a place in my life now where I feel nothing towards them– no anger, no bitterness, no shame, no guilt, and no worries. And it feels good, albeit bizarre, because this kind of parent-child relationship is never covered in media sans online forums like these. I know it’s okay to feel this way logically, but of course it is just an unusual experience to have. Especially watching other people with seemingly happy families and seemingly normal relationships with their parents (of course, we only see the outside).
Anyway. Wishing a good, peaceful day to all the fellow adult estranged children out there. You deserve it.
Terminating your relationship was the only option left to you and will remain such until your physical death. Rarely is any situation all good or all bad. This is one of those circumstances where a polarity exists. You have done so much internal work you understand the dynamics (heart vs. head) and have chosen the hard way: To be your authentic self. Adults are willing to deal with the pain because Reality informs our uncertain selves how bad it is. It hurts like hell.
In an undergraduate course I was required to take (please understand this was decades ago) I read something in a Western Civilization course that remained with me throughout my life, an observation made by Bruno Bettelheim who later became a world renowned Child Psychiatrist. He was interned in a concentration camp during WW2 and observed who lived and who died. (Yeah, we observe behavior.) He observed, “The greatest freedom human beings have is the freedom to *choose their attitude in any situation.”* (Para, from “ The Informed Heart,” an excerpt, “ Coercion Under Extreme Circumstances.”) It brought me to my knees. Being able to control when one took a shit was the only volitional act of freedom in this horrific setting. This is how primal our drive for autonomy expresses itself. Warriors are all subversive in our own ways.
Your father is now feeling the full weight of his decision to remain with a child abuser-and he doesn’t like it. When we remove ourselves from the equation all participants have to make moral, ethical and practical decisions and bear the consequences of their choices. He no longer has his Meatshield (you) to Divert and Distract from what he has wrought, his decision to remain with an abuser. He is a co-abuser. It is not your task to protect adults from other adults. You’re a kid.
I discarded most all of my snail mail from my birth mother per the advice of the Risk Analysis Company I hired. They told me opening mail was my decision (no phone, only letters) or I could send this crap to them-so I did.
Years later I was able to open and bear maybe once every couple of years one of her letters. Decades post NC I opened a birthday card. It was objectively the most beautiful card I had ever received, the opening sentiment stating “I loved you from the moment I saw you.” And I read on and became disgusted. Her Campaign of Denigration failed. I know if she had ever voiced any single sentiment from that card it would have brought me to tears of gratitude decades ago. Now it was a cheap run at my boundary. Not gonna work: Too little, too late, too inauthentic, too manipulative.
What they “care enough” about is how your decision impacts them since the Universe revolves around them. *What will people think?*
Nothing, you idiot. So we move on and live our lives.
I promise, it won’t always feel this way. No one ends up on these pages by accident. We end up here in desperation. Never doubt this is *not* a “you” problem and you’re in the right place. Congratulations on your ability to un
(sorry) to understand and move forward regardless of your circumstances. No one “stumbles on” this site unless they have lived their history and reality.
Hi there Issendai,
Since there doesn’t seem to be a contact form, I’m just popping in here after years of lurking to point out that the navigation appears to be very broken on the main site (not this blog), making it difficult to parse all the pages of “Down the Rabbit Hole” for example. Hope you’re well and that you return to public writing here one of these days.
Ouch! Thank you for the heads up. Looks like it’s time to consider updating my site design.