Conde Petie
Food in Final Fantasy IX

So our heroes found absolute and unquestionable proof that Queen Brahne was behind the Black Mages, and learned from Garnet's uncle that Brahne was getting the mages from a weapons dealer named Kuja, who lived far to the north on a Mistless outer continent known as Delaware. They decided that rather than take on the source of their problems directly, they would cut off Brahne's dealer. That involved a boring and nasty trip through a toll tunnel called the Fossil Roo (which was probably supposed to be the Fossil Rue, but if the translators can't read Japlish, they can't be expected to know Japench).

When our heroes stumbled into the bright, Mistless light of Delaware, woozy and seasick from riding upside-down on spiders, they emerged into a hot, harsh world. Sun-scorched ground. Dying forests. Killer cactuses in little green sombreros. Life was nasty, brutish, and short, and so were the inhabitants.

...Scratch that.

The monsters were nasty and brutish. The inhabitants were short. And green. And possessed of chins as huge as camel's humps, which performed about the same function. They lived in a vaguely Central American Indian templesque village on a bridge, where they spent their time sipping tea by the fountain while they talked about food and sex.

I approve.

Admittedly, the Pumpkin Bomb (bombe?) which the shopkeeper offered Quina cost 1,000 gil, the price of a fairly nice weapon, and when Zidane talked to the same shopkeeper, he didn't have any food to sell--only potions. Apparently there's a menu for normal people and a menu for adventurers, and the adventurers all get the liquid diet. People continually accused poor Quina of being the thief who was stealing all their food--as though there were any way to miss Quina long enough for her to steal something. Even in idyllic little Conde Petie, food is associated with lawbreaking and denial. But the people were at least willing to talk about it.

Their other favorite topic, on the other hand, was sweet. Courting couples stood in the sunlight, contemplating the boat they would one day be married on. Village elders drinking tea around the village hookah discussed getting wives for their sons. There was no small-minded discrimination, though--they were just as willing to consider Dagger as wife material. Will-she nil-she. Eventually Zidane figured out that the "Sanctuary" the Conde Petiens were talking about--a sort of dwarven Niagara Falls--was where he and his bunch needed to go next, but the only way the dwarves would let them go was to go through "the ceremony"... so everyone in the party got married to each other. Despite the fact that the dwarves considered Vivi a little boy, they were quite happy to see him wed. It was very gentle and Gretna Green in its own pot-addled way.

So the happy couples bounced off into the wilderness, picked up another pathetic lifeform, dropped by the Sanctuary, hit a force field, and turned back to figure out what plot trigger they'd missed. Ah! They hadn't taken the pathetic lifeform home! So off they toddled to the other half of the wilderness, and came across... a ruined city. Filled with Moogles.

Have I mentioned yet that Moogles freak me out?

...That's a rant for a later time. Anyway. There was a band of Moogles living in the ruins of Madain Sari, taking care of a pathetic lifeform named Eiko. (May I also add that Gaia needs a serious social-services overhaul? So far we've met Vivi, whose foster-father wanted to eat him, Zidane, whose foster-father beat him and forced him to work as a thief-slash-actor--and we all know what actors do between shows--Garnet, whose mother was so deranged that her uncle had to arrange for her kidnapping in order to get custody of her, and the Prince of Burmecia, whose father seems not to have noticed that his son has drifted away and is now living in the streets. And now Eiko, who's about eight and who's being looked after by a band of marshmallow-brained flying teddycats who probably worship Satan. There are at least two Evil Overpersons in the game so far, and neither of them has seen the howling need for a decent social services machine. Any Evil Overperson worth their salt would have all of these children slaving in the Black Mage factory in Dali right now. It's a waste, letting them stumble about the continent high on potions and cheap elixir.)

...After that digression, perhaps we should start over.