The Desert Palace, Esto Gaza, and Aspen
More Thoughts on Kuja; or, Even Bad Guys Get Mice
So I get through the Desert Palace, and Kuja summons Zidane to
give him the whatsit, and Kuja's all, "Dude, you're stupid!"
And Zidane's all, "No, you're stupid!" And Kuja's
all, "No, you're stupid!" And Zidane and the Brat Pack
are all, "No, you're totally stupid!" And Kuja's all,
"Whoa, you're dead!" And they're all, "No, we're
totally not, but what's this shit about a security system that you
have to disarm and turn on to escape the palace?" And Kuja's
all, "Dude, I've got a security system?" And they're all,
"Well, you did." And Kuja's all, "Bummer." And
they're all, "Yeah." And Kuja's all, "Oh, well. Hasta
la vista, babies. Hey, can I take your annoying kid?" And Amarant's
all, "Yeah!" So Garnet and Zidane and Freya go, "HEY!"
but it's too late, Kuja and his puppet-things are totally gone.
So everyone runs out to the dock and goes, "They're gone."
And then everyone goes and gets in the boat and goes to this totally
boring like ice town where nobody's around because Kuja and the
black mages and the puppet dudes came through and drank them out.
Bummer. But then Zidane goes into the store to stock up, and when
he comes out, everyone's come back and is waiting for him to buy
them a drink. He zooms on through 'cos the potions are totally his,
man, that's dinner tonight, the liquid diet's a bitch but it works
and you do NOT get between a man and his liquid when he's on the
liquid diet. So. They go into the caverns and there are Moogles
EVERY THREE STEPS. Steiner gets this bitchin' new blade that totally
doesn't work because it's fire-based and everything in the caverns
is like totally in touch with the elements.
And then they get to the bottom and fight this thing and then they
find the puppet guys and the kid and Kuja, who's totally having
a snit and like standing with his back turned like he's a cat that
they didn't pet when he wanted them to pet him or something. So
the puppet dudes try to do this mystical dance thing to Eiko, and
it totally doesn't work because Eiko's too young to boogie. So Kuja's
like, "Make it work or I spank you!" And the puppet guys
think of offering him something to spank, but they think better
at the last minute and try the dance magic thing again. Only Eiko
"Dances with Moogles" has this like orange pet mutant
Moogle thing that totally macks out and like glows and like becomes
a god or something and lays the smackdown on the puppet dudes something
I always knew there was something freaky about Moogles.
The rest of the party runs down and is like, "Screw you, Kuja,
we got you cornered!" And Kuja's all, "Shyeahright."
And they're all, "Totally!" And Kuja's all, "Uh-huh."
And they're all, "Behold our pumped-up over-leveled beefiness!"
And Kuja's all, "I'm so impressed. Watch me squish my two puppet
dudes together into one good one." And they're all, "EEEEYAGH!
WHAT THE F#CK IS THAT?" 'Cos it was totally freaky, man, I
mean, split-open flesh everywhere, their necks were broken, they
were wearing a dress and everything. And while they lay the mack
on the puppet-dude-thing, Kuja gets gone.
So the black mages are like, "We screwed up, we're sorry,
we're gonna die soon anyway so don't beat us up too much."
And Zidane's all, "It's totally okay." And then he hears
a chick, so he has to go check it out, 'cos hey, he's Zidane, you
The chick's like this totally babelicious queen person in a bower,
it's not a bedroom it's a bower, and Zidane's about to go
all, "Hey, baby, get imprisoned here often?" when Cid
hops in and is all, "Pookums!" And the babe is all, "Schnookie!"
And Garnet is all "........." but what she means is, "Auntie!"
And Cid is all, "Come back with me and be my honey-lumpkins
and by the way, would you turn me back into a man again?" And
Queen Hilde is all, "You know, hanging out with Kuja has made
me realize just how much of a dork you are."
But Kuja's supposed to die on the next disc, and he's totally gone
anyway, so Hilde decides that it's good to be the Queen and she
turns Cid back into a man. But he's still a total goober.
And then Hilde says, "Kuja like blithered on for hours
about his master plan, it was totally boring but he was kind of
cute while he did it." And Cid is all, "Can we hear a
bit less about Kuja's looks?" And Hilde's all, "You're
gonna be hearing about 'em when you're eighty, buster, now shut
up and let me tell my story." So Cid shuts up. And Hilde's
like, "Kuja said he was from another planet and he was going
to use this planet to get more power, and there's this place up
in the north where you can break the seal between the worlds and
like pass through." And everyone's all, "Cool! New shopping!"
So they all get in the ship and get ready to go to Aspen.
Postscript: Kuja's Digs
So. The Desert Palace.
What's with the heavy ecclesiastical theme? Why are all the statues
blithering about bold paladins? Why all the corridors and bridges
with no purpose whatsoever, except maybe to give adventurers more
time to gauge the extent of Kuja's little monster infestation problem?
And what's with the monster infestation? Hasn't Kuja noticed that
his hallways are aswarm with grimlocks and killer sphinxes and mind
I don't think Kuja actually built the palace himself. I think he
just found it, and decided to keep it because it was pretty. He
probably hasn't been down in the blithering-statue section since
he moved in, and the black mages are afraid to tell him about it
because they know that the one to speak up gets it in the back.
EDIT: There are monsters in Kuja's bedroom.
I repeat: There are monsters IN KUJA'S BEDROOM.
In the room where he lies unconscious several hours a night.
What is this, some kind of evil mage machismo? "I sleep so
soundly, even the grimlocks don't wake me up at night! Oh, they
scrabble around a bit, but after one or two swats
they learned who was boss..." Or is there some kind of sexual
implication that we really shouldn't be thinking about? Is Kuja
On to the