The Desert Palace, Esto Gaza, and Aspen
More Thoughts on Kuja; or, Even Bad Guys Get Mice

So I get through the Desert Palace, and Kuja summons Zidane to give him the whatsit, and Kuja's all, "Dude, you're stupid!" And Zidane's all, "No, you're stupid!" And Kuja's all, "No, you're stupid!" And Zidane and the Brat Pack are all, "No, you're totally stupid!" And Kuja's all, "Whoa, you're dead!" And they're all, "No, we're totally not, but what's this shit about a security system that you have to disarm and turn on to escape the palace?" And Kuja's all, "Dude, I've got a security system?" And they're all, "Well, you did." And Kuja's all, "Bummer." And they're all, "Yeah." And Kuja's all, "Oh, well. Hasta la vista, babies. Hey, can I take your annoying kid?" And Amarant's all, "Yeah!" So Garnet and Zidane and Freya go, "HEY!" but it's too late, Kuja and his puppet-things are totally gone.

So everyone runs out to the dock and goes, "They're gone."

And then everyone goes and gets in the boat and goes to this totally boring like ice town where nobody's around because Kuja and the black mages and the puppet dudes came through and drank them out. Bummer. But then Zidane goes into the store to stock up, and when he comes out, everyone's come back and is waiting for him to buy them a drink. He zooms on through 'cos the potions are totally his, man, that's dinner tonight, the liquid diet's a bitch but it works and you do NOT get between a man and his liquid when he's on the liquid diet. So. They go into the caverns and there are Moogles EVERY THREE STEPS. Steiner gets this bitchin' new blade that totally doesn't work because it's fire-based and everything in the caverns is like totally in touch with the elements.

And then they get to the bottom and fight this thing and then they find the puppet guys and the kid and Kuja, who's totally having a snit and like standing with his back turned like he's a cat that they didn't pet when he wanted them to pet him or something. So the puppet dudes try to do this mystical dance thing to Eiko, and it totally doesn't work because Eiko's too young to boogie. So Kuja's like, "Make it work or I spank you!" And the puppet guys think of offering him something to spank, but they think better at the last minute and try the dance magic thing again. Only Eiko "Dances with Moogles" has this like orange pet mutant Moogle thing that totally macks out and like glows and like becomes a god or something and lays the smackdown on the puppet dudes something fierce.

I always knew there was something freaky about Moogles.

The rest of the party runs down and is like, "Screw you, Kuja, we got you cornered!" And Kuja's all, "Shyeahright." And they're all, "Totally!" And Kuja's all, "Uh-huh." And they're all, "Behold our pumped-up over-leveled beefiness!" And Kuja's all, "I'm so impressed. Watch me squish my two puppet dudes together into one good one." And they're all, "EEEEYAGH! WHAT THE F#CK IS THAT?" 'Cos it was totally freaky, man, I mean, split-open flesh everywhere, their necks were broken, they were wearing a dress and everything. And while they lay the mack on the puppet-dude-thing, Kuja gets gone.

So the black mages are like, "We screwed up, we're sorry, we're gonna die soon anyway so don't beat us up too much." And Zidane's all, "It's totally okay." And then he hears a chick, so he has to go check it out, 'cos hey, he's Zidane, you know?

The chick's like this totally babelicious queen person in a bower, it's not a bedroom it's a bower, and Zidane's about to go all, "Hey, baby, get imprisoned here often?" when Cid hops in and is all, "Pookums!" And the babe is all, "Schnookie!" And Garnet is all "........." but what she means is, "Auntie!" And Cid is all, "Come back with me and be my honey-lumpkins and by the way, would you turn me back into a man again?" And Queen Hilde is all, "You know, hanging out with Kuja has made me realize just how much of a dork you are."

But Kuja's supposed to die on the next disc, and he's totally gone anyway, so Hilde decides that it's good to be the Queen and she turns Cid back into a man. But he's still a total goober.

And then Hilde says, "Kuja like blithered on for hours about his master plan, it was totally boring but he was kind of cute while he did it." And Cid is all, "Can we hear a bit less about Kuja's looks?" And Hilde's all, "You're gonna be hearing about 'em when you're eighty, buster, now shut up and let me tell my story." So Cid shuts up. And Hilde's like, "Kuja said he was from another planet and he was going to use this planet to get more power, and there's this place up in the north where you can break the seal between the worlds and like pass through." And everyone's all, "Cool! New shopping!" So they all get in the ship and get ready to go to Aspen.

Postscript: Kuja's Digs

So. The Desert Palace.

What's with the heavy ecclesiastical theme? Why are all the statues blithering about bold paladins? Why all the corridors and bridges with no purpose whatsoever, except maybe to give adventurers more time to gauge the extent of Kuja's little monster infestation problem? And what's with the monster infestation? Hasn't Kuja noticed that his hallways are aswarm with grimlocks and killer sphinxes and mind flayers?

I don't think Kuja actually built the palace himself. I think he just found it, and decided to keep it because it was pretty. He probably hasn't been down in the blithering-statue section since he moved in, and the black mages are afraid to tell him about it because they know that the one to speak up gets it in the back.

EDIT: There are monsters in Kuja's bedroom.

I repeat: There are monsters IN KUJA'S BEDROOM.

In the room where he lies unconscious several hours a night.

What is this, some kind of evil mage machismo? "I sleep so soundly, even the grimlocks don't wake me up at night! Oh, they scrabble around a bit, but after one or two swats they learned who was boss..." Or is there some kind of sexual implication that we really shouldn't be thinking about? Is Kuja a furry?

On to the next chapter...