The Castle
Deep thoughts from Zidane on the might of female warriors

Okay, so like, there's this chick? And she's really hot? And she flips her hair constantly, so that when she and this gnarly sorceror guy get together it looks like a debutantes' koffeeklatch? And she, like, totally kicked our asses, I mean totally, I mean, we were all like, "EEEEYAGH! SLASH! SLASH! POOF! WHIZZ WHIZZ WHIZZ BANG! THUNK!" and she was totally, "Seen it before, talk to the hand." So she knocks us down to one HP and this other guy comes up and looks at us for a while and mentions that we're gonna be trouble but doesn't kill us while we're flat on our asses, which is proof that he's the villain because only villains are that stupid, but anyway. SO we run around and she runs around and we all run around, right?

And then we meet her again and we're all like, "Stop, evil lady!" and she's all "Not again" and we're all "Yeah, again, you thieving hellbitch!" So we fight again and she spacks us down again in one blow because she got bored and stuff, and then she teleports off and we teleport off and it's all good.

So we run around this like totally gnarly ship, and we find out that everyone's evil, and we go, "Ohmigod, we haven't saved the princess in like half a disc!" So we jump back in the teleporter and we go save the princess. And we're coming up out of the hole in her mom's room (it's a deep Freudian reference, get it?) and she's like, "STOP!" And we're like, "When did you get here?" And she's like, "Don't change the subject!" And we're like, "We're gonna get creamed again, right?" And she's like, "Right." And we're like, "We're not getting off this disc unless we do it, so bring it on." And she brings it on and we're used to it by now so we don't even try to defend ourselves, we just try to keep Zidane alive so he can steal her stuff. She's got wicked stuff. Anyway. Zidane gets all her stuff and we get bored and whomp her hair-flickin' ass with like 5000 points of damage, and she says, "God, is that all?" and like flattens us with that Something-or-Other Break attack thing she does where we all end up on our asses wondering how much tequila we just drank.

So we go "Whoa" and she goes "Yeah" and it's a thing.

And then the Queen like totally flips out, and the chick flips out on the Queen. It's like a catfight, only with no sexy hair-pulling or baby oil or anything. And the chick says, "Screw you, I'm going with these guys." The queen's all, "Screw you!" and the Queen's puppet evil dummy sorceror things are all, "Screw you! Screwed you are!" and the chick's all "No, screw YOU!" and the puppet evil dummy sorceror things call out a giant stuffed pink dog to whomp her ass.

So I'm all like, "I'll save you, hot warrior chick!"--'cos I'm smooth that way, you know--but Freya jumps in front of me and she's all, "No, I'LL save you, hot warrior chick!" I'm about to say something but then I realize that this means that Freya is healing from her Sir Fratley business, so it's therapeutic, and besides, I'm suddenly somewhere very visual. So everyone hauls me back down the hole.

And we fight pink stuffed dogs and black mages and more pink stuffed dogs and even more pink stuffed dogs until I'm like, "Enough with the pink stuffed dogs!" But there's never enough pink stuffed dogs, so we keep fighting and fighting and in the middle of all this, we keep stopping to ask ourselves:

"Is that hot warrior chick doing okay against the pink stuffed dogs?"

And it really bugs us! Because okay, she knocked us down to nothing with her little finger, and we're knocking the pink stuffed dogs down to nothing with our little fingers, so she should be able to just glare at the dogs and make them burst into flame, but maybe, uh, she's too busy looking lovingly at Freya to glare? Or maybe she's phobic of pink stuffed dogs?

It really bugs us!

I just know we're going to be wondering whether the hot warrior chick is okay until the nexttime she shows up to whomp our asses. It's totally annoying. You'd think that, like, three battles worth of experience would be enough to convince me that the hot warrior chick can take on Gizmaluke himself and not scratch her nail polish, but what do you expect? I'm a video game character.

Being a video game character sucks.

And so does Kuja's hair animation...