Everything I never needed to know
I learned from FF9

I have played FF9 for far, far more hours than I can recount by now. After the storm of frustration with having to go through a lot of trivial crap in order to see Kuja came the calm of acceptance; I found my center, and I began to play the game for the game. I have learned... the zen of FF9.

I have also learned that:

Freya is a total babe;

Steiner is actually pretty cute, what with his bouncing up and down and snitting and fussing and generally acting like my Portia would act if she weren't liberally lubricated with cheap beer;

There is no way to make Steiner, or anyone else for that matter, drink cheap beer;

Gaia has serious transportation problems;

The Mognet has been sporadic for quite a while because best as I can tell, the Mognet is composed of wandering adventurers--very mystical and Moogliffic, I can tell you;

Party inventory is not a fixed, material thing, but a separate plane which any section of the group can reach into and pull out things which the other section of the group has bought five minutes ago halfway across the continent;

Chocobos ward off monsters;

Princess Garnet/Dagger is not actually a bimbo. Zidane, however, is;

Moogles mean death ahead;

The only really useful ability is "flee";

Healers fight best with rackets;

Fights in which you're supposed to be spacked into slime are actually rather relaxing;

It is vital to know which fights you're supposed to lose and which fights you're not supposed to lose;

It doesn't matter how silly the attack name is if it still kills you (e.g., "Trouble Mucus");

Life is too short to spend wearing a rubber helmet;

When in doubt, pull the lever. When not in doubt, pull the lever;

Notwithstanding the remarkable, valiant, and extensive efforts the cast members are making to incorporate the theme into the story, "I Want to Be Your Canary" is still a stupid name for a play;

Characters do not have to eat because they spend much of their time horking down healing potions;

Healing potions have the unfortunate side effect of megacephaly;

I don't know what an oglop is, nor will I ever know--the game does not want me to know;

Contrary to every single indication in the plot so far, Queen Brahne is not anxious to drag Princess Garnet home to marry her to Kuja. Pity.